My Facebook status

Under the starry moonlit sky we sat,
Rekindled a passion that was almost flat.

I stare at you reminiscing the time we met,
Listening to you ratter-tat-tat,
And not forgetting the significance of my SAT,
My past, present, future tangled in a dense net,
Making me who I am, and that's what you get.

Then a rascal, a so called pet,
Came up with the yearn of a pat,
Soon turned into a cheeky 'rat'.

Thus ended our little chat.
Though a lil' too soon I bet.

But above all, at least I had my heart, and my mind set.




I love how my life has settled in a very subtle and comfortable way. Though I thought a lot of things would change, I stand corrected.
I value the insignificant moments which made us who we are today.
And life's too short for me to look back, regret and fret.

With this I extinguish the hatred I had.

"Words of widsom"

I sincerely wish to share 'my' words of wisdom to every one out there.
An obvious hint to one of my most fluently spoken 'language'




So listen up.










LIFE IS NOT fucking FAIR









You can do whatever you want in life, you just gotta have these words carved right onto your skull.
And not forgetting,
EVERYTHING YOU DO HAS ITS CONSEQUENCE.
Whatever way, it ain't smooth sailin'








Just be prepared for whatever shit people might give you.
People: Humans considered as a group or in indefinite numbers

By that I mean whoever you can think of that has successfully pissed you off and you feel like just giving them a knock out punch in the face.

Almost there...almost..

It was just like yesterday... In that moment in time.

When I counted the footsteps you took while you walked away..

I counted them as my vision blurred and my whole world collapsed. The pain was indescribable.. because I felt something different. I knew you were never ever gonna look back. That was the only thing I was certain of, the rest were all obscure.

It's funny how certain people, certain gestures can trigger a long buried memory in an isolated part of my thoughts, in the abyss of absolute insanity and heartbreak. I thought I could never feel again since they were too severely scarred, too brutally beaten and trampled upon. Because when you've got nothing to lose, what else can bring you lower?

I've read from many melodramatic love stories that one counts the days till the one they love returns.

gosh, no wonder I never fancied romance. 

It portrays a facade for false hope. 

I never had faith, neither have I had hope because some things are beyond the means of patching up.

Sometimes time just helps either one wash everything clean, leaving that part of them behind for good. 

But in the back of my mind I still wonder if people still catch glimpses of a certain person when they see, hear or feel something familiar.  Guess this is a question no one would be able to answer.

Add on.

If the present is so great and the future is glorious, why the hell do people linger in the past? Why do people still try to keep in touch with the past? 

To me, if one focuses too much on the past, we might lose something we currently have. So why take the risk?

But well, it's always up to ourselves to decide, to judge and act wisely according to the circumstances.

rawr =.=

Fate has a very funny way in conveying messages, or is it life?  ah screw that.

I've been quite vexed with life recently, not to say everything is going downhill.. but it's so annoying at times.

Let's see... how do I put

- my best friend HaYu has his period every once in a while and gives me the cold shoulder for two weeks after that.

- Jo sticks to me like glue and talks about stuff I have no interest in whatsoever. 

- My grades suck, I'm slacking in college.

- I have problems remembering facts as easy as I could before.

- Chuan sometimes pressures me.

- I hardly have any true friends, not like I need them anyway, but it's nice to know you've got friends for you.

- My future is a blur to me.

- I lack inspiration and motivation.

- I think I misplaced my iPod.

- I hate math so much now, have got nothing against Joey, but I still freaking hate math.

- I have lost passion in bio

- My chem lecturer doesn't give a shit.

- I don't have a life.

- I want my privacy back.

- I lack money to use at times and have to resort to using my ATM. wtf at this.

- I have got broke ass men trying to ask me out, another wtf. 

- I think I have gained weight.

- I have got problems sleeping.

- Some people just don't know how to back off when I'm already so freaking irritated. 

I cannot seem to put all these into feelings. I'm too lazy and I don't think it's humanly possible. I'm probably partially deranged by now. piece of shit.

I sometimes wonder wth I'm doing in college if this is what colleges offer.

Me feeling vexed is an understatement.

For the first time

have I ever felt so miserable...

It's just an exam, no big deal...right?
Surprisingly...
it means everything to me now.
Exams were never one of my concern, so why now?
I've come to a point in life where I am clear of what I want, the outcome of me doing something great and getting something great in return for my family and myself. The only confusion and doubt is that what the hell can I do which is so great? What the hell can I do since my dream is so far away at this point of time.
What the hell can I do...when I'm not good enough?

I've done too many stupid things, had too many unnecessary regrets, wasted too much time on things which will never contribute to what I want in life.
Regrets are for losers, I am a winner but I've lost too much.

Time is still on my side. My whole family supports me. They wipe my tears away, they help me back on my two crippled feet, crippled from the mistakes I've made.


But what I really feel deep down inside...

I know bitterly,

I am no one.
But a complete failure.
I'm sorry I've never made you guys proud,  




I rest my case.

突然

I'm probably writing this on impulse, but I suppose if I put my thoughts into words, I'd feel much better...
I just had biology lab in the morning from 8-10, and after snacking on my home made sushi, I made my way to the library. Due to lack of sleep since Thursday night, fatigue takes over, I dozed off.
I was woken up abruptly by a buzz on my phone. And then when I looked up.. I saw someone wearing this very familiar shirt.
One that reminded me immediately of you.
He was siting just two tables opposite, with one arm over his girlfriend.
This brought me way back in time, and somehow ( I was probably hallucinating ) I caught a distinct scent of you.
And it exuded overwhelmingly vibrant nostalgia..
It brought me back to January 2010.

While I was indulging in the good times, I caught myself staring into blank air again. Thinking about something which would never ever come back.
I snapped out of it. But still, I have a confession to make.


I moved on. I'm living the life right now.

But I can never forget the way you made me feel.

The way we fit perfectly in each others arms.

Continued

I know it has been months since I updated this blog. Forgive me for not keeping my promise =)
And I'm pretty sure practically every one has forgotten about 'the wallet incident' which I was ranting about in the previous post.

And to add on to this irritating fact that my wallet was not only stolen! It was stolen by 'a ghost'.
tsk. The stories people make up JUST TO MAKE ME BELIEVE that a freaking poltergeist or some demonic crap like that took my wallet.
oh damn! And it seems like I'm staying in a haunted hostel unit! Apparently a girl hung herself, or jumped down the building from my floor ( the 11th floor ).
Oh and how you claimed that your friends conveniently saw 'toyols' ( A type of Malay ghost ) using the lift.
*smacks head*   I really wonder why do I even know these people. JEEZUS o.o
Dear manager of the hostel, PLEASE I repeat PLEASE put me in the same unit as people who have the same intelligence level.
Yours sincerely,
A ghost-buster named Mildred Wong

No seriously -__- Ghosts? *rolls eyes*
These gestures do not mean I do not believe in the supernatural, the funny fact is I do. And unfortunately to the 'ghosts who stole my wallet', I'm well read about the ghastly ghouls, which means I know much more than you do, and whatever crap you're telling me is completely a lie, chains of lies as a matter of fact.
First of all, DO NOT LIE.   You'll need shit loads of lies to cover just ONE LIE. And eventually, every thing will unveil, unravel themselves. THE SAME GOES TO STEALING.

Anyhow, I'm not gonna waste my precious time thinking about this anymore. It doesn't make me any smarter nor does it make me any richer. So Imma just drop it. And for those who are curious, yes indeed, it was an 'inside job'.
Bravo to the one comment on blogger who got it right! You're brilliant lol
And the people who sent me messages through facebook, yeahh good good, at least you know how it goes =3

Thank you for participating in my lil rant and actually evaluating the whole situation and voice out your point of view.
I appreciate that =)
Have a great weekend!

RANT

First of all, I want to apologise for not updating my blog for quite some time.
I was pretty busy with life and everything.

Most of the time, my blog contains thoughts, whether sentimental or just feelings, I would put them in a very polite and sensitive way as to avoid hurting any one's feelings.
Yes, I am very considerate and co-operative. (MOST OF THE TIME)

This time, I won't hide a single thing.

Now I'm living in a shitty hostel with 2 other housemates, well let's just say I'm not very fond of this kind of people.  Before coming home, I stayed there for 2 weeks straight..  and JUST BEFORE COMING HOME,
I realised some random fucker took my wallet!

On Thursday night which is on the 24th of Feb, I still clearly remember I had my wallet with me. IN MY ROOM, ON MY DAMN TABLE after going out for dinner.
It was quite a long day for me, was extremely exhausted so I dosed off while lying on my bed listening to Yiruma. I'm grateful I didn't turn off the alarm that morning as I slept like a log until Friday morning.

All hell broke loose when I woke up, I realised I haven't organised my bag, my clothes everything! I hastily shoved the books in my bag, took a shower, dressed up and left for college.
And it was until I reached college that I realised I forgot to bring my wallet. My heart dropped but the thought of me having my wallet on the table did not make me so anxious. So I went about college having the left over bread ( they're still in packets, so the bread won't go bad so easily ) I normally put in my bag.
I was in college from 7.40 am- 4.15 pm until my parents fetched me from college back to my hostel.

When I went back to my hostel, I did some cleaning up, for laundry etc. etc. and then I realised something missing. Yes, it's obvious my wallet wasn't there. You can call me disorganised, untidy or whatever the fuck you wanna call me. But I WILL NOT LOSE MY WALLET. I had a three week supply of cash, a credit card, and other privilege cards, I even had a 10 Ringgit heart shaped origami which has adorned my wallet for the past 4 years, so it is valuable to me. IT WAS.

Imagine how I felt when I couldn't find it. The first thing that flashed through my mind? Flashes of me still holding my wallet. Yes, I was very sure I had my wallet in my room, and my room door was LOCKED.

I pictured myself walking out of my unit towards the lift, down to the ground floor, to the side door and to the shuttle. Sounds quite a distance ay? But actually it's not. So, how could it be that I myself did not realise my wallet dropping out of my pants? I wasn't listening to the iPod, I wasn't running, I didn't hear a thud which indicated that the wallet slipped out of my pants' pocket.
But after talking to mom and dad, reasoning and everything I actually considered myself accidentally dropping it somewhere. ( Even though it was close to impossible )

I search my room frantically, but to no avail.
I was nauseous due to my hunger and the heat radiated from the source of light and heat of our solar system. -.-
The feeling inside was so sickening it made me feel faint. I was disappointed with myself and hungry at the same time. Sounds like the perfect recipe to cook up an angry lady right? I wasn't angry, I was just in rage =)
I made a call to the management to inform them that my wallet was lost. And barred the credit card.
I didn't expect much because all I knew at that point of time was that my wallet is gone.

We drove back to BM, went to BandaPerda Police station. Fuckers were talking more than working, I even heard them talking about Facebook?!? like wtf? We tax payers PAY YOU TO WORK, and you waste time talking about Facebook and listening to songs, there were like 4 stations and only 1 is functioning? The reason? Network is down. OK FINE, network down? Do you think I'm stupid? Do you NEED the Internet connection to type a fucking report? Brainless bitches.

My parents were displeased with their service and working attitude, "tunggu sampai boleh gunalah" which means 'wait for it until the network is fixed' in malay. We stood up and left. Well of course, with me cursing everything in my way. I felt like slamming their faces into the freaking huge ass monitor. Ask us to wait while you talk about everything except what you're paid to do? Go fuck yourselves, cheeeeeeebyeeeee.

I'll just skip the minor parts like how I almost couldn't walk because I lack heaps of energy, I felt disabled, and how I ravenously gobbled down my dinner, fetched my dear sister to tuition and stuff like that.

THEN I went to MachangBubok police station, it wasn't as grand as the previous one. But all I can say is, the policewoman was quite efficient, QUITE. Took 50 minutes to 1 hour of my time to finish the report. Well at least all she did was work. Our country seriously need more people like her. Really, no joke. I would be glad to pay my taxes if these people really do their job WELL.

So by the time I finished doing the report and everything, I've already lost hope in finding my wallet back.
Though I was still very doubtful I dropped it.
I even wrote on FB :  Stealing is a very despicable act, whoever you are, fuck you.
See? I even had a hunch shortly after the incident that someone went into my room and took it. But I'm not mentioning names.

I was facebooking and on skype with Dy when a housemate of mine facebook-chat me, asking me if I found my wallet or not, you dumb fuck how could I find my wallet back here when I 'lost' my wallet in that unit?
Anyway, I just didn't feel the sincerity AT ALL, who 'cheers' someone up by saying hey I lost my Rm 10 the night before as well. Like the fuck I care? What are you trying to tell me? That there's a fucking ghost in the unit that goes around taking money and wallets? And don't try to tell me like you're accusing me. Who in the damn world are you kidding? I don't need to do something so low. I'm Mildred Wong. I don't even want to step into your filthy room. You people disgust me. =)

So, a miracle happened like 45 minutes later like 11.30 pm, another housemate of mine called me, saying: Mildred, I've got good news for you! The morning-shift guard found your wallet somewhere and passed your wallet to the night-shift guard while she passed your wallet to me while I was hanging my clothes for drying.
I didn't say much, but I did ask where they found it, they said it was found downstairs aka the ground floor. And just a sarcastic thank you.


I am mean right?  Hold your thoughts.
Why did I use sarcasm? WHY?
You guys wanna know?
Comment me why you think I used sarcasm.
A new post will be up soon.

Do participate and anticipate.

My dear friend

I thought of doing long, happy posts during the holidays.
To make up for what I've not been updating.

But all of a sudden, out of the blue,
You told me that the bond between us isn't strong enough.
Surprisingly, the words cut deeper than I thought.
I don't know what to say...you got me speechless, but still I admire your straightforwardness.
I adore you for your unique personality and ability in probably everything, you weren't my best friend yet, but certainly you already had a place in my heart. Even though what you said blew me away. You even made me tear up. But sometimes, crying makes me realise exactly how much I appreciate your presence, and how lucky I am to have met someone as great as you.

As much as I hate how this bothers me, I sincerely hope there is a way to save this friendship. I may be no one or just a mere friend to you, but just reviewing back from now to the first day I met you, you really are someone whom I wish could stay. You really are someone. =)
But..for the time being, I can just wait and hope. But if it doesn't resolve.....
Then, I wouldn't pursue it any further, and let time and fate do the job.
I just hope... that it wouldn't have to be that way.


I don't wanna lose anyone, anymore.

New life

=)
A short, sweet post xD
College soon.

I will miss my family and friends, dearly.
Even though I'm not really far from home. The place I'd be at still won't be home... Not without you guys.
Loads of stuff happening lately.
Got really awesome presents from friends who went for trips =)
THANK YOU PEOPLE! <3
Had movie day with my homies! :D  Mikey, Pay and Heng! :)
Chilled with Andy for 2 days in a week? lol   MOVIEEEEEE :D
fyi., I don't quite like The Tourist :P

Have been eating heap loads...
Which means TWO things for me---
ONE- I'm happy, therefore I'm eating a lot.
TWO- I have to start working out like mad and start losing weight D:

So much for New Year's resolutions ><
FAIL for now x) isshhh :P

I'm giving this post an abrupt ending =P
Suddenly lost the mood to blog any further.

OH I just realised it's the ninth! =O
Time flies =)
meh xD

All the best to everyone!! =D

31/12/2010

Back by popular demand? x)

So today is officially the last day of 2010. 

I would like to sum up everything that has happened! ...but you know I'm only human and that is IMPOSSIBLE!
I'll probably split the post into 3 parts  lol ><

I'll start with the various feelings. It's easier to say in mandarin which is 甜酸苦辣..

But it'll try to keep it as "english" as possible.  -_-

I've been through a lot in this year, well I'm pretty sure everyone has their story to tell, but this would probably be mostly about me. Well, this IS my blog aye? =)

I'll start from really bad, sickening feelings to the happiest moments of this year.  2010!

Hurt.

I'm pretty sure everyone has been through hurt more or less in a year. 

Whether you lost someone you love, your best friend, relative...

I'm pretty sure no one wants anyone they love to leave, but sometimes it's life and it's inevitable that time does it's job. And no matter how much you want time to turn back.. the person you love is already six feet below. What's left is the beautiful memories you once had with that loved one.

Well, this is a kind of hurt, which everyone does NOT want to go through...

I went through hurt over and over again. At certain times, I still pine, deep down inside .. pining for their return, longing to have maybe JUST another day, for me to spend with them and tell them how I really feel inside.. and how I love them.

If only I had another day...

Anxiety.
When I was studying for the SPM.
I don't know about you guys. But I normally only feel pressured a day or two before the actual examination =\
Yeah, I'm lazy. x)  I won't disagree.
But the anxiety normally occurs after I've passed up my paper -__- oh the irony ><

Fear.
When I knew something was not right in several events.
The fear of losing someone. The fear of failing a test. The fear of disappointing my parents. The fear of injuries.


Happy, joyful.
When I am happy, I would put on the brightest smile on my face. I looked back and realised. I didn't capture down many of such moments. =)  Or rather, the things that really made me smile has faded from my memory, pale as ink.. Right now, no matter how I think back of certain events... I don't seem to feel flattered or happy anymore, well maybe it was because more poison was spilled on the beautiful, fragile memory.. was too much to even taste the sweetness anymore.
I found refuge with my gang, my buddies, my homies!
I went out with them, had group studies with them, chatted with them and I didn't care whether they treated me more to a brother rather than just a female friend! Well, these people officially changed my mundane routine and slowly but certainly dragged me out from..hell =)
And never leaving out my family, for they have supported me throughout whatever and showed me undying love.

I'm pretty sure everyone loves surprises, gifts or anything like that. =)
I've got loads of presents this year. I've met amazing, wonderful people, and that to me already is a great gift!
I've even teared up just looking at what people wrote to me, how they feel about me, in facebook, in their blogs, wherever =)  They sincerely touched me with their truthful words, I didn't feel a hint of sarcasm at all! x)

To sum up 2010 in words,
It was an amazing year overall. I've learned many many many things through experience.. it doesn't feel good at all. But at least it has made a permanent mark which would constantly remind me to set my priorities straight! =)   I never regretted anything, and hopefully I won't. You've probably heard this a million times but, I truly understand the definition of "life goes on"..for time waits for no man. And, if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself.
I apologise if I have ever crossed you in anyway in 2010.
And to the haters, if you don't like me, you can just tick off =)  Your face just hurts my eyes.

Well, thank you everyone! =P

Happy New Year =) 
2011!!  

♥

I ended 2010 well! ♥ I might as well start 2011 even better ;)

It's over

I finished my SPM on the 14th of December, with Chinese being the last subject.
I honestly cannot believe I'm done with High School! =O
How did time pass by..just like that?

Flashbacks of whatever happened within this 5 years are as fresh and vivid as they happened just yesterday.
Time is no joke.
They say "You don't know what you got till it's gone", but sometimes, certain things or events are too brief for us to realise we actually have it.
And we don't feel the pain until we really lose it.
This is life.
And if you really give all, you lose all.
I've learned so much in high school, I've been through just as much.
I've learned to live by a couple of principles to get through the day with smiles and laughter. And trust me it's easier said than done. You're practically God if you ever achieve this state of mind.


I'll be disappearing for a while starting from tomorrow =)


* Ju Yi (Johnny) I was dumbfounded when I received your present. Simple, yet so meaningful.. And I will do as you said =)     Please accept my heartiest gratitude and appreciation!
I hardly get any gifts and yours was unexpected..  THANK YOU SO MUCH!
=')


My holidays officially starts now!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! 

104...

Despite you not being with me for so long.
I've failed to pick up ALL the pieces and move on. Because...
There's some with you.

When you lose someone, someone you love dearly, when they break your heart, it's the hardest thing you could ever go through, and no matter how much time has passed. It never really goes away, you may think it's getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest, you fall apart, for the thousandth time. and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out..ever. You love this person with all your heart even though you know you shouldn't, they hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt. They stole everything, and yet you still want them, and only them. Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but it upsets you because of all the promises you made, and even if they broke all their promises, you always..kept yours.
On top of that.. you're terrified.. terrified of getting hurt again, but it's not like it matters anyways, at the end of the day you'll still be thinking about the person who has left you completely broken.
You don't want to miss them anymore, you don't want to love them anymore...
but... you know you always will.
Even though you do not exist in their memory anymore.








Honestly...
it still..hurts...

For the guys.

Boy: I broke up with her.

His Best Friend: What happened?

Boy: She’s just too much for me.

His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to drink, not to play rough during sports. She’s so clingy!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy: Well, she..

His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.
___________________________________________________

Think about it, when she’s too much for you.. She just wants the best for you. Because to her YOU’RE the best. If you don’t like something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her. Don’t just give up. Don’t just leave because you want the easy way out. You're taking everything away from her. A part of her. The best part of her, yet you left her broken and alone.
And,
I'm not saying that the girl never makes mistakes.
YES,
she may be oversensitive,
she may be overprotective,
she may be overpossessive.
But it only voices down to one solid reason.
She loves you.
and that may be too much for you.
She loves you.
but maybe she didn't show it in a more appropriate way.

I'm pretty sure, she would if she could.


So guys, if you ever come across a girl who loves you whole-heartedly, with only the intention of spending her whole life with you. Don't let go.
She wants nothing from you,  but only you.


Life's about ups and downs. But a rainy day never lasts forever.
Hold on, work it out.

But if you know, he/she isn't the right one....
... it is wise to let go.

It's October..already.

I've always had dreams.
and
I dream big.
Unlike anything you've ever imagined.

You were a part of it.
Dreams of a very near future.
But now,
as reluctant as ever,
I have to,
slowly erase you... remove you..
from my magnificent dreams.
At first... I couldn't find a place for you in them..
Then I realised, I reserved the most special place in the world for you.
My heart.
You were positioned right beside the most important people in my life.
My family.
Yes, honestly you were.
You were.

As time passes, and as I slowly pull myself out of this.
As I slowly re-gain my senses.
I finally see how different we really are.
We were great in the beginning.
And then came changes, unwanted changes.
You went to a different "environment", surrounded by "different people".
It was because of this, I see how one can change.
Differences make you stronger...

But then I realised, we were too different.
But most importantly,




I realised that.
I didn't lose you...

You lost me instead.
I'm still very much myself.
Just a more experienced "me".


It's October...
Time flies...
I still remember less than 365 days ago.
...
I still remember a year ago.
...

But..what's there to remember...
If the other, has forgotten everything?
With poisonous words spilt on to what we once had as friends.


I can take a few tears every now and then , every once in a while.


I found a very pleasant past-time and "companion".
..
I never realised how lovely she really is.
And how she could temporarily ease the pain.
She reflects my mood sometimes...
The music that comes out from her..
Can be magical... when the right person plays.
And I would like to be the one.

要知道我的心情...就听听我弹的琴... 
我的琴,我的肩膀...


Munn, jia you.

Who really understands? Speechless.

I'm in the midst of my trials. Had my English paper today. Should take a break. But I decided to turn to my blog.

I have no idea what's going on lately.
And I don't know why it's still my fault for everything and you blame me for everything, every single thing possible.. even after this long.
难道,所有都是我的错?
What did I do...
I never get the chance to speak, and when I do, I'll just be lost for words.
I don't know what people think about me now, they can say whatever they like...
路遥知马力,日久见人心
Those who know me, will know and will be able to differentiate rumour from reality.


I found out I had to see a psychologist.
For I'm stereotyped as "crazy".

I normally wouldn't care if people called me that.  But did it have to be him?
I can't view anything of his anymore...
But I still came to know about it.
That got me absolutely speechless.
Feel me? No...no one does.

Disappointed...and hurt.
Did I have to go through all this...to see the real him?
Did I have to lose so many people, so many friends...in the progress?
I never wanted to, but it's all said and done.
I lost myself.

No one sees it, but I myself know best, it really hurts.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A friend wrote a note and condemned him.
haix,  another disappointment.
I apologised to him for what he had done even though I don't know what went on between them.
It's the only thing I could do, I wanted him to remove the note, but to no avail.

People should understand that no matter how bad or imperfect that someone is, we should not condemn him or her in public, it shows how immature you are.
I was even a part of the note... I never knew he noticed... I'm not close friends with that boy at all, but yet he stood up for me...
I thank you for noticing changes in me, but I would still like you to delete the note you wrote.
It's not right...


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

年光似鸟翩翩过,世事如棋局局新.

As time, unforgiving as ever creeps by....
I know my time...here is very limited..
the memories linger, vivid as ever.
reluctant to not remember,
but I see a new horizon.
not long from now...


sighs.

 一直都附上满满及真诚的爱。。不管于家人或朋友都一样。。一直都希望让身边的人都过得快乐。。或许爱的方法错了，但请不要去质疑那份爱。。因为那份爱是真诚的。。没半点虚伪。。

或许爱的方法错了，有时候让一些人透不了气。。但请不要去质疑和怀疑那份爱，那份爱是真挚的。。只是每个人爱的方法不同。。

受伤的伤口会疼痛，复原后的伤口仍会留下疤痕。。一旦被伤害就很难再走出来，因为内心深处已藏着一个受过伤的疤痕。。愈是信任，背叛愈深。。愈是爱，伤害愈大。。




Only the people I love, can hurt me.
I don't show how much it tears me apart inside when you cut me with words. I appear cool,calm,stone-cold. Without a speck of emotion.
But how could you possibly see the other side of me?
I've trained myself each and every day since a month ago, to appear strong because I do not need pity from any one at all. If I break down, lose myself in front of you, it only means that your presence can be a temporary shelter for this ragged soul of mine. It's not a big deal, but if I've run to you when I had problems it only means you're someone I love, care about and most importantly trust. I've got lovely people around me.
I've got friends I don't wanna lose for life, just because their amazing like that.

And I've got a family who's got my back through whatever.
But you guys have to understand me.
I may not be the best daughter in the world. I may even be too much at times.
But you won't find no one else like me. We may have quarrelled and fought, numerous times.
We may have different outlooks, personality, perspectives. But we still stand as one.
And
Life's too short for me to have sleepless nights.
I'm only human. So think twice before you talk?
I don't fight back, only coz I love you. And I may have some respect for you, so don't push it.

Oh there are too many types of love. But all of them can hurt equally.

Feel me?
Burn.

因为有你，我认真过，我改变过，我努力过，我悲伤过…

我傻，为你傻；我痛，为你痛；深夜里，你是我一种惯性的回忆…

我不想在为过去而挣扎，我不想在为过去而努力，我不想在为思念而牵挂，可这些都只是不想，我、做不到…

有一种坚持是心痛，有一种放弃是孤独；生命里剩下的只有等待与思念…

经历一些事，就读懂一些人…

看不透事实的真相，诺言、谎言、开始、结局；真像是躲避不了的寂寞，和寂寞打交道，孤独半生遗忘在某角落里偷窥别人的幸福…

有一种感觉叫学会；有一种后悔叫心碎，时间一天一天的过去，累计一点一点的心痛，直到无法承受，心已死去，你会发现：爱有多深，痛就有多浓。

爱过方知情深，醉过后方知酒浓；不爱了还有什么是差距，不想了还有什么是比例．？

当你喜欢一个人的时候，你会怎样做．？

你会不会每夜因为想他而不能眠；当你喜欢一个不喜欢自己的人，你会怎么做．？

一个人单恋．？一个人痛苦．？还是要为他打拼，为他做更多事，看着他幸福自己就会幸福．？

也许是我爱的太无奈，明知道没有结果却偏往死里爱；

或许是爱的越深，伤的越痛，却、越痛越爱！低头、沉默、蹲墙角、数泪…心在说谎，泪在投降！

因为害怕伤害，所以选择离开…

 

因为有你，恋爱的感觉、有过；背叛的感觉、有过；离别的感觉、有过；最后，甚至连死的感觉都有过，一直等待着你的回头，最后却换来心碎的迷离…

这个世界只有你，才能让我明白，什么是爱，什么是痛，痛！已经麻痹了我，无所谓只会让我伤的更深，只怪自己太执着才会让你伤的如此彻底，看着你的离开，我低头苦笑，眼泪却早已投降，渐渐的才发现你是多么可笑，慢慢地走进我的世界悄悄的偷走我的心，最后却默默地看着你的背影头也不回的离开，走的如此彻底、你的离开让我明白：

原来爱情那么脆弱，总是经不起这点折腾，却、我还是选择等待…

我瞧不起那卑微的爱情，带走了我的思念，留下的只是那苦涩的回忆.

仰望45度只为了那个亘古不变的道理，不想让眼泪落下…

无所谓的执着，让爱亵读着寂寞，或许我会离开，只因为爱的太深，陷的太深，伤的太深…爱加深了理解，痛失去了知觉，心痛让我明白.爱；只是无所谓的徘徊！

恋爱时，我们彼此忘记了时间，分手后，时间让我们忘记了彼此，心痛让我找到了沉默的借口，十指紧紧相扣，默念天荒地老…你给我的爱假的太逼真，让我找不到离开的理由，人不到伤痕累累就不会懂得后悔，我是真的爱你，脸上写着无所谓，其实还是很在乎！

人生就像一场戏，谁在为我编排…

你不知道的事

This young woman captivated me the first time I saw her video.
and the lyrics...
ahhh, just listen to it or google it (:




4 September,2010.

Citibox after celebrating Pao's bday at..Seoul Garden.
I like this picture (:

eyes closed ><

Why do I even bother to take pictures? =.=
My face is so priceless o.o

It's been exactly a month...
And I couldn't figure out...why he did what he did just a day before... :(
And because of that...
I didn't really want to go to John's bday party,
Wasn't in the mood and
I was afraid I couldn't take the memories that lingered at SG....
...I decided to go anyways.

I wanted to wear what I wore almost a year ago. I would like to feel just like there and then,
but... my jeans were a few sizes too big for me now..
I never thought... I would be what I am right now..
Not bad... I should keep up the not-bad job,
Slow, but there's improvement, and I still got loads of room for improvement =)
Munn,jiayou!

 Went there straight from tuition..So, I reached there half an hour late. D:
Was rather shy to step in. Saw Richard and friends walking around already.
Seriously awkward =(
So I walked in lo...
Saw the place I sat almost a year ago occupied T_T
But I managed to sit at the same table...good enough.
I glanced around... saw John,greeted him, wished him.
But.. he was the one who really caught my eyes.
Was shocked,surprised to see him, sitting there at the opposite far end of the table.
I can't really describe how I felt.
Sad in a sense because I'm here, in SG again, and he's there. But we just ain't the same no more.
This really got me pining...
lost in the labyrinth of the tenacious memories.
The sound of his laughter brought me back to reality and I realised I was hungry =.=
So, I ate ate ate ate ate.
But in the process of eating, I had very very tiny oil splashes on my arm.
ouchhh, I never knew he went through that,
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!! D:
才发现我是曾经那么依赖着你.
Don't even know how to grill my own food 
-.-


So close,yet so far.
Oh, the distance between something once so beautiful...
It's the silence that kills.
for nothing more...can be said or done.
Even words, beautiful, haunting words... can never describe what a writer really feels.
All she can do is give a very shallow description of how she really feels.
With several dull,overused words like happy,glad,good,sad,pain, hurt.
But it takes a whole lot to understand what she's really going through,

Ever had those times when you just really wanna talk to someone
but just can't find the words to say and you give up and just keep everything to yourself?
Because no one seems to understand and no one bothers to care.
yeh, that's life.
I figured that out :)


Crap, I've gone way too far =.=
OK so after we were done with SG..
we were standing outside SG like a couple of idiots
before deciding to join the others in Citibox for Karaoke lol
Went into room 5 where almost everyone was there.
c.r.o.w.d.e.d
I was about to squeeze in the room as well
but then "Enrique" called me out lol
then
we chilled alone for awhile.
Then went back into the K-room lol.

Was standing and listening to the girls sing.
Honestly, they look really cute when they sing (:
oh oh oh and I sang... in front of some people.
I hope they didn't see how much I blushed.
shy..>.<
Never sung in front of my friends.
shy..>.<

I chose the song "My Boo" since I wasn't really clear of the lyrics (:
And the song only came up when everyone left LOL
So I got to sing that song as badly as I wanted to =)
But of course... Shao Wei was there -.-
He didn't know that song at all but sang along anyways roflmao
shoooo funnny :D
We then rapped to JayChou's songs even though we were practically mumbling -_-
Then, time out.
-.-
So he went to room 15 and I went home.



It was really nice, seeing him well.
Honestly, most of the things I do still have vivid memories of him there.
Whenever I play "Right here waiting for you" on the piano,
or listen to certain songs.
His smile appears quite automatically.
A smile of pure friendship and honesty,
the most beautiful of them all.


Well, gotta start packing,
I'm wayyyy behind my schedule (:
Good night, blog.

说不出的痛 4/8/2010

昨晚说的都是气话.
如此的无情..
如此的痛..


By the way he talked to me.
I know. For sure.
He's letting go...and moving on.
Our 199 days together...was long to him.
Well...maybe it's solely because of what I did. What I am. What I have become.
He knows I care. but I had hurt him in the past. way too much.
I know he cared. but his actions made me doubt him. way too many times.



And whatever I do now, doesn't matter anymore.
It wouldn't change a thing anymore.


I was too sensitive.
And my one move... made him lose all hope.
All the love we had, we shared.


We were very fine before what happened.
I just had to.......



This is it...
Guess he won't feel anything anymore.
This pain....is just too real...
He once told me crying can never solve anything.

I don't want to see tears.
But they have been flowing since last night.
I need them to stop.
I want them to stop.
Because I know... he wouldn't cry for me anymore.
 



Right now,
I need to tell you that.

I am very sorry. Of every pain I had ever caused you.
I am very sorry, for all the broken dreams. For everything we ever planned and wished for.



With all my heart, I sincerely wish you the best!
=)


Whenever you need a friend, I will still be there.
I don't want you to hate me any further.
Because.... I couldn't possibly dislike you.


=)
Cheers!

Take care of yourself!  Big boy le :]