to a thin thread of hope.
Still hoping that MAYBE I might forget and forgive.
I thought today was the day to make everything right. Was even sure that we would be like before. Talked nicely. Even flashed my million-dollar smile at him.
But screw me, I had to be so sensitive.
The pleasantness,happiness,contentment lasted not more than an hour.
I tried to forget. I really did. But I had to walk over and feel the pain all over again. ='(
Life isn't being really nice to me at this moment.
I find my comfort in the folds of a tissue paper. I seek refuge under the sheets curled up in a bundle,crying myself to sleep. I have no one to turn to right now.
My used to be good friend.. isn't talking to me.
No one is.
I can't let my parents know...how torn I am.
They'd be crushed...broken... to find out how hurt their daughter is.
I love them too much to let them worry.
I keep wondering to myself...
God... wtF did I do wrong to deserve what I'm going through now.
Why can't I be good enough.
Why am I not good enough.
I may be. But I just don't feel it.
In time, I might understand.
But for now, I just hope for the best.
One way or another.
Because...
This isn't right anymore.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sometimes I ask for too much, but that's just how I roll.
2010 WISH LIST~
1. Nike Lunarlites. (I prefer it with colours...hmm depends)
2. Oakley polarized sunglasses
(Polarized Oil Rig)
3. Timepieces (awww couple watches ♥)
4. Wallet/Purse whatever (As long as I like it)
5. Books (anything except text books)
6. Another " da tou tie" session with lovey. ♥
7. Play golf with pa.
8. Fulfill the deal I made with Jien ( I know I will and I can =DDDDDD )
9. I wish the clothes in my wardrobe sized L and above would transform into Ms. ;]
10. I wish I could fight the temptation I have for the Internet and go study for once.
11. I wish I knew what I had done wrong to make BZen ignore me
12. I wish that my dear Hazel would stop...... =(
13. I wish I could sleep the whole night through without waking up.
14. I wish I knew my direction in life.
15. I wish I could read his mind.
16. I wish....that I don't feel so empty...
17. I wish to see my mother more often.
18. I wish I was better
I will make you proud.
And that's not a wish, that is a statement which will come true. I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.
I just hate looking at my baby pictures. It reminds me of what I've grown into.
And
How long I have been just waiting for time to pass me by and not do a thing.
Looking at Hazel's pictures makes me think of my primary school years. It's a beautiful gift meeting her. =')
And I feel honored to be even a tiny part of her life. <3
Looking at our pictures...
Warms me. Like the sun on my up-turn face.
Thrills me. Like I'm in the midst of cliff-diving.
Soothes me. Like putting out the fire in me.
Calms me. Like when I'm by the beach.
I wish you feel the same.
I just love how much we have changed throughout the years.
Hazel <3
Mbf ♥
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Deeply...wrecked.
I always hated Mondays. It's most of the time the most cranky day of the week.
5-4-2010 [78]
Shit happens to me.
I can't think right at the moment. In fact, I cannot think at all. I'm just typing out whatever the hell I'm thinking. This is probably the most shallow post I'll ever be making.
I can't feel my swollen knuckles, neither can I feel my legs. It's like I'm crippled. But I can feel my heart... slowly ripping apart. Leaving me hurt,cold....It's a kind of pain which I cannot describe.
Up to this point, I cannot believe the series of events that took place today... I was pretty OK as I started the day. But, nothing I did went right. Everything took it's toll on me. I'm dead tired from the sleepless nights. Mbf wasn't in a good mood. I found out that I had to take part in the debate competition the following day against JSHS. GOD of all the schools, why give us the best? damn it. I am not prepared to say the least.
But despite everything that's so screwed up today, I still effortlessly smiled at lovey. He was the one...That kept me sane. But not for long. It didn't last. not even close to long enough.
Everything was going just as bad as everything was... I couldn't believe how heavy my eyelids were. Actually fell asleep during history. After history, I had to go to the washroom...so.. i thought of taking a glance at lovey. When I reached the back door of his class, I didn't see him at his place. Curious, I scrutinized.Trying very hard to find him. I wanted to walk off. But at my last glance into the classroom. I saw him. sitting at some other person's place. facing a pretty girl and teaching her math. I saw how happy he was. How not tied down he was. How... free. I thought he was having a bad day. He didn't really have the mood to talk to me. But he seemed happy with his friends. Friends and not his best friend. I wanted to walk away. But he saw me, tailed me to the stairs and gave up coz I wasn't really responding. Asked him to go and I walked away.
I...don't wanna remember what happened after all that. Until dismissal. Until... Now.
I hate myself for having photographic memory. I see, I feel the scenes, the painful, excruciating flashbacks that keep replaying in my mind. Slowly driving me insane.
I was... and am pissed at myself.
For my actions.
For pushing him away.
For not trying to talk to him.
For whatever the hell that I have done wrong.
For not being honest enough to tell him what's wrongFor not being considerate enough to NOT hurt the person I love so dearly.
For not being a good girlfriend.
And for not being good enough for once.
And for being such a royal bitch that's oversensitive and lets the rage of jealousy take over.
If I could turn back time, I would go back and slap myself so hard I hope I couldn't talk anymore.
I thought today was the end for both of us.
But... No.
I got a second chance to make things right.
I swear. I'll try my best.
I had a facebook test once when I was bored.
It was about how i was gonna die.
It's ridiculous. But I needed something to kill time.
The result was.. drowning.
Weird that I didn't feel eerie about it. I spend most of my time underwater,thinking. Was the least surprised when I saw the test results.
My tears are dry. My knuckles are swollen. I'm so tired...but I can't sleep.
Plans for tomorrow: School-Jit Sin-Home-Swimming Pool.
Yes, I'm going swimming on a school day. I'll swim so hard,
I wanna feel my lungs burn and my chest exploding.
I don't really care what'll happen. I'm going alone. I refuse the company of anyone.
I refuse any sign of aid. I think better when I'm alone. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
='(
5-4-2010 [78]
Shit happens to me.
I can't think right at the moment. In fact, I cannot think at all. I'm just typing out whatever the hell I'm thinking. This is probably the most shallow post I'll ever be making.
I can't feel my swollen knuckles, neither can I feel my legs. It's like I'm crippled. But I can feel my heart... slowly ripping apart. Leaving me hurt,cold....It's a kind of pain which I cannot describe.
Up to this point, I cannot believe the series of events that took place today... I was pretty OK as I started the day. But, nothing I did went right. Everything took it's toll on me. I'm dead tired from the sleepless nights. Mbf wasn't in a good mood. I found out that I had to take part in the debate competition the following day against JSHS. GOD of all the schools, why give us the best? damn it. I am not prepared to say the least.
But despite everything that's so screwed up today, I still effortlessly smiled at lovey. He was the one...That kept me sane. But not for long. It didn't last. not even close to long enough.
Everything was going just as bad as everything was... I couldn't believe how heavy my eyelids were. Actually fell asleep during history. After history, I had to go to the washroom...so.. i thought of taking a glance at lovey. When I reached the back door of his class, I didn't see him at his place. Curious, I scrutinized.Trying very hard to find him. I wanted to walk off. But at my last glance into the classroom. I saw him. sitting at some other person's place. facing a pretty girl and teaching her math. I saw how happy he was. How not tied down he was. How... free. I thought he was having a bad day. He didn't really have the mood to talk to me. But he seemed happy with his friends. Friends and not his best friend. I wanted to walk away. But he saw me, tailed me to the stairs and gave up coz I wasn't really responding. Asked him to go and I walked away.
I...don't wanna remember what happened after all that. Until dismissal. Until... Now.
I hate myself for having photographic memory. I see, I feel the scenes, the painful, excruciating flashbacks that keep replaying in my mind. Slowly driving me insane.
I was... and am pissed at myself.
For my actions.
For pushing him away.
For not trying to talk to him.
For whatever the hell that I have done wrong.
For not being honest enough to tell him what's wrongFor not being considerate enough to NOT hurt the person I love so dearly.
For not being a good girlfriend.
And for not being good enough for once.
And for being such a royal bitch that's oversensitive and lets the rage of jealousy take over.
If I could turn back time, I would go back and slap myself so hard I hope I couldn't talk anymore.
I thought today was the end for both of us.
But... No.
I got a second chance to make things right.
I swear. I'll try my best.
I had a facebook test once when I was bored.
It was about how i was gonna die.
It's ridiculous. But I needed something to kill time.
The result was.. drowning.
Weird that I didn't feel eerie about it. I spend most of my time underwater,thinking. Was the least surprised when I saw the test results.
My tears are dry. My knuckles are swollen. I'm so tired...but I can't sleep.
Plans for tomorrow: School-Jit Sin-Home-Swimming Pool.
Yes, I'm going swimming on a school day. I'll swim so hard,
I wanna feel my lungs burn and my chest exploding.
I don't really care what'll happen. I'm going alone. I refuse the company of anyone.
I refuse any sign of aid. I think better when I'm alone. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
='(
Saturday, April 3, 2010
For Love is Immortality
as time passes,there is no doubt that the fresh feeling of love,no matter how besotted you were at the start, will slowly but certainly fade.
And one of the two will feel left out, will feel that things have changed, that the affection is no longer there.
And you wish you didn't get into a relationship as it has wore you out physically and emotionally.
And you're tired of trying your best just for him..
Constantly thinking of a way to rekindle a mere flame which was once a raging fire..
Often envious of other girls who seem oh-so-perfect.
..........................................................................
A contented mind is a perpetual feast.
The mind and soul matures as we go through different stages of life.
Time has taught us so much. Time helps wash away the painful memories and dreadful tears a person has cried.
Never missed.
Never to be thought of again.
All the negativity should be left in the cold lonely depths of the deepest abyss of the ocean.
Life's too short, to cling on to the past.
More often than not, you want to think logically and accept the fact that what you once had is gone, but your heart... your silly sensitive heart thinks otherwise.
FORGIVE,FORGET.
Easier said that done.
But not impossible =)
The beauty of life is seen most evidently when the most unforgettable and enjoyable moments of your life are shared with people you love. Whether you're bungee jumping off the Grand Canyon or watching the sunrise at the Himalayas, or even when you're cuddled up all snuggly and warm under the sheets with your love while watching a movie, CARPE DIEM, seize the moment. Live in the too-short moments that take your breath away.
Love with all your heart :)
You'll never know what might happen, love whenever you get the chance. No one stays forever. This is the cruel hard fact.
It feels great to have done something with all your heart and soul and have people complimenting you. And when people criticize, its just as amazing. You just have to see the beauty of sarcasm ;)
Lastly, Love is the closest thing to magic.
Whether it's between family members, best friends, lovers or just friends.
The bond is there.
Z.Ling Jie, a person with brains and sheer determination like you can overcome anything that comes in your way, I have faith in you. You can de! :]
mbf, need I say more? =')
Monday, February 15, 2010
Little bits here and there.
January ♥
1/1/2010
Dad drove us to Gurney just to get ONE miserable story book I've been looking for since I saw it when I went out with Hazel in December. I got it and was happy.
Tennyson by Lesley M.M Blume.
~~~~~~~~~
School reopened on the 4th of January......
Everything seemed the same. But I knew it wasn't. The boy who calls me his best friend wasn't in the same class with me anymore... And I kept looking...well... staring blankly at where he used to sit... Actually missing the times we spent together in 2009. 4S1. I miss the times when someone would randomly run their fingers through my hair,slowly tangling them, I would smack whoever did that to me. But when it was his, my frown slowly turned into a smile =)
7/1/2010
Went to Eileen's place, hung out there for the whole afternoon until she was ready to push off to the airport in the evening...
Felt so empty when I left her place. A real bucket of joy that girl =D
Will miss her LOADS.
8/1/2010 He,asked my number from me as he lost his phone last December. He, called me the apple of his eye. But most importantly.. He, made a big difference this day.
9/1/2010 ♥
I don't remember much about this day.. Because all I know is that...
I started something new for the both of us.
I accepted him as MBF. He wasn't my best friend anymore.. instead he was my boyfriend.
24/1/2010
Went to the library with him. ^^
Pretty cool hanging out with him.
Went through the shelves and saw a book about dreams and how they can be interpreted. It was interesting.
Trying to be optimistic... I leave out every single thing that had pained or hurt me.
I'd rather live and feed on the beautiful memories rather than slowly dying from the agony I get every time I think of bad,bad things.
1/1/2010
Dad drove us to Gurney just to get ONE miserable story book I've been looking for since I saw it when I went out with Hazel in December. I got it and was happy.
Tennyson by Lesley M.M Blume.
~~~~~~~~~
School reopened on the 4th of January......
Everything seemed the same. But I knew it wasn't. The boy who calls me his best friend wasn't in the same class with me anymore... And I kept looking...well... staring blankly at where he used to sit... Actually missing the times we spent together in 2009. 4S1. I miss the times when someone would randomly run their fingers through my hair,slowly tangling them, I would smack whoever did that to me. But when it was his, my frown slowly turned into a smile =)
7/1/2010
Went to Eileen's place, hung out there for the whole afternoon until she was ready to push off to the airport in the evening...
Felt so empty when I left her place. A real bucket of joy that girl =D
Will miss her LOADS.
8/1/2010 He,asked my number from me as he lost his phone last December. He, called me the apple of his eye. But most importantly.. He, made a big difference this day.
9/1/2010 ♥
I don't remember much about this day.. Because all I know is that...
I started something new for the both of us.
I accepted him as MBF. He wasn't my best friend anymore.. instead he was my boyfriend.
24/1/2010
Went to the library with him. ^^
Pretty cool hanging out with him.
Went through the shelves and saw a book about dreams and how they can be interpreted. It was interesting.
Trying to be optimistic... I leave out every single thing that had pained or hurt me.
I'd rather live and feed on the beautiful memories rather than slowly dying from the agony I get every time I think of bad,bad things.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Time flies~
21st December 2009
4 day till X'mas.
How did time pass me by,with just a blink of an eye?
Holidays are ending...
A new year is approaching.
I am going to be a year older.
And finally..I can drive legally.
I hope I don't waste another year just as what I did this year =\
Well...easier said than done.
*****T minus 3 days till I hold Eileen in my arms.Can't wait! =)
Thought of the day: WTF happened to my earlier posts?! They're all mushed up and look like disgusting little insects!
4 day till X'mas.
How did time pass me by,with just a blink of an eye?
Holidays are ending...
A new year is approaching.
I am going to be a year older.
And finally..I can drive legally.
I hope I don't waste another year just as what I did this year =\
Well...easier said than done.
*****T minus 3 days till I hold Eileen in my arms.Can't wait! =)
Thought of the day: WTF happened to my earlier posts?! They're all mushed up and look like disgusting little insects!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The confessions of a broken heart.
10 November:
I went to school as usual, came home,had lunch,came online, went on facebook, had a one hour nap.
Everything went on as usual. Just like any other mundane Tuesdays......
The only thing I forgot about today... is that...
Today, is my father's birthday.
It struck me so hard when I received a message from him...
It said:
Moi,there is something that you haven't said to me.
I was still in a very unclear state and I was not aware that today is his birthday as I have lost track of dates since I don't have to do anything in school... I glanced on the date on my cell, and felt as if someone plunged a dagger into my heart... and to top it off.. it was raining... and every sound of thunder hurt me even more. It was as if I was wounded in a cold,wet world alone... hurting so badly even though I look fine on the outside.
But I put aside everything... and gathered some courage to write him this:
Happy Birthday papa!
You're not 44, you're eighteen with 26 years experience!
Many happy returns :D
Love ya.
As the text message shows, I was trying to be as cool and calm as possible. And I think I did a pretty good job...
He replied:
Just a greeting from you would do wonders for me... TQ for making me happy! Love you too.
Me: =D
Pa: If you won't forget your friend's b'day, pls remember mine cos I'm your buddy too!
*wipes tears while curling up under my blanket*
Me: Sorry >.<
Lost track of dates
Pa: I believe u r keeping the best 4 last!
Me: What? -.-
Pa: it's alright moi, I m the happiest man alive!
At that point... vivid memories came to life. It was more like flashes of memory.. about him saying how proud he is to have me as his daughter, about how he loves it when I go Shakespeare and talk like an adult, and about how he praises me when I give my views on life as if I've been through life more than him.. and how I stand up for myself.
Despite being so mean and disrespectful to him, he still loves me.
And says he's the happiest man alive..even though I forgot his birthday.
No one can ever imagine how I'm feeling right this moment..
Alone,looking horrible,hurt,cold... It's like a thousand feelings mixed together and you just can't find a suitable word just to describe it.
I haven't talked to my father face-to-face yet. He wasn't at home while I was suffering silently in my room [Thank goodness.]
He'll be back in less than half an hour. And I hope my mom got a cake for him just as I requested.
I wish upon a thousand shooting stars... that my dad will truly be happy...
As I could feel vibes of sadness through our text conversation....
I feel a little bit relieved after expressing my feelings through words...
I guess blogging really does help in a way..
*catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day...*
Happy Birthday,Pa!
I went to school as usual, came home,had lunch,came online, went on facebook, had a one hour nap.
Everything went on as usual. Just like any other mundane Tuesdays......
The only thing I forgot about today... is that...
Today, is my father's birthday.
It struck me so hard when I received a message from him...
It said:
Moi,there is something that you haven't said to me.
I was still in a very unclear state and I was not aware that today is his birthday as I have lost track of dates since I don't have to do anything in school... I glanced on the date on my cell, and felt as if someone plunged a dagger into my heart... and to top it off.. it was raining... and every sound of thunder hurt me even more. It was as if I was wounded in a cold,wet world alone... hurting so badly even though I look fine on the outside.
But I put aside everything... and gathered some courage to write him this:
Happy Birthday papa!
You're not 44, you're eighteen with 26 years experience!
Many happy returns :D
Love ya.
As the text message shows, I was trying to be as cool and calm as possible. And I think I did a pretty good job...
He replied:
Just a greeting from you would do wonders for me... TQ for making me happy! Love you too.
Me: =D
Pa: If you won't forget your friend's b'day, pls remember mine cos I'm your buddy too!
*wipes tears while curling up under my blanket*
Me: Sorry >.<
Lost track of dates
Pa: I believe u r keeping the best 4 last!
Me: What? -.-
Pa: it's alright moi, I m the happiest man alive!
At that point... vivid memories came to life. It was more like flashes of memory.. about him saying how proud he is to have me as his daughter, about how he loves it when I go Shakespeare and talk like an adult, and about how he praises me when I give my views on life as if I've been through life more than him.. and how I stand up for myself.
Despite being so mean and disrespectful to him, he still loves me.
And says he's the happiest man alive..even though I forgot his birthday.
No one can ever imagine how I'm feeling right this moment..
Alone,looking horrible,hurt,cold... It's like a thousand feelings mixed together and you just can't find a suitable word just to describe it.
I haven't talked to my father face-to-face yet. He wasn't at home while I was suffering silently in my room [Thank goodness.]
He'll be back in less than half an hour. And I hope my mom got a cake for him just as I requested.
I wish upon a thousand shooting stars... that my dad will truly be happy...
As I could feel vibes of sadness through our text conversation....
I feel a little bit relieved after expressing my feelings through words...
I guess blogging really does help in a way..
*catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day...*
Happy Birthday,Pa!
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