说不出的痛 4/8/2010

昨晚说的都是气话.
如此的无情..
如此的痛..


By the way he talked to me.
I know. For sure.
He's letting go...and moving on.
Our 199 days together...was long to him.
Well...maybe it's solely because of what I did. What I am. What I have become.
He knows I care. but I had hurt him in the past. way too much.
I know he cared. but his actions made me doubt him. way too many times.



And whatever I do now, doesn't matter anymore.
It wouldn't change a thing anymore.


I was too sensitive.
And my one move... made him lose all hope.
All the love we had, we shared.


We were very fine before what happened.
I just had to.......



This is it...
Guess he won't feel anything anymore.
This pain....is just too real...
He once told me crying can never solve anything.

I don't want to see tears.
But they have been flowing since last night.
I need them to stop.
I want them to stop.
Because I know... he wouldn't cry for me anymore.
 



Right now,
I need to tell you that.

I am very sorry. Of every pain I had ever caused you.
I am very sorry, for all the broken dreams. For everything we ever planned and wished for.



With all my heart, I sincerely wish you the best!
=)


Whenever you need a friend, I will still be there.
I don't want you to hate me any further.
Because.... I couldn't possibly dislike you.


=)
Cheers!

Take care of yourself!  Big boy le :]

Recent happenings.

*HIGHLIGHT*
Taekwondo tournament which was held on the national day of the United States of America.
4th of July.
I supposedly went there just for ONE event, that is to take part in the green belt "pattern".
I was already in charge of the documentation for the tournament, and guess what?
I became the MC, photographer,an addition to the sparring event for girls,and the one who gives out food -.-

Waaaa so many roles >.<
Asking me to be the MC is bad enough, I can't speak bahasa well. lol. I must have sounded weird..

As for the photography, well that's ok. I get to carry a dslr everywhere and take a couple hundreds of shots =)

But for the sparring....
goodness.. imagine... I've never really hit anyone before.I'm only a green-belter. And I was kinda "forced" to take part in the sparring event as there weren't enough contestants..
And my opponents are like half my size..
I couldn't imagine them taking a blow on the head or the abdomen from me.
I was up against a red belt for the first round.
She really kicked me o.o
Then... well... I decided to try my kicks..since no one's playing nice..
But when I kicked her.. I saw how she winced. Eventhough my shin hurt from a previous kick from her.. I felt pity for her, for I know... how hard my kick is... =(
Anyways, I won the first match.
 
I was up agaisnt a black-belt next, Jie En.
huiiyoooo. She's so small, like petite, even shorter than Natalie. How do you suppose I hit her?
So, I let loose. I had tonnes of opportunities to giver her one blow on her head for her to fall.
But.. I just couldn't.
haix, too soft-hearted la.
In the end, I got very nice kicks from her, middle-section, stomach,shin,back -.-
Wanted to fight back, but my one minute was up.
Obviously, I got the 2nd.
but still,
Not bad for a first timer ay?  ;)

Everyone at home said... -.-
You should have just kick her, there is no such thing as mercy in tkd sparring.
KILL or get KILLED.
o.o imagine me really kicking her...
>.<
r.i.p lol.
Anways, at least I survived ;)

Natalie got a Gold medal for "green belt pattern".
Oh the shame LOL.  But indeed, she is good. =D

I got a silver for sparring, and a bronze for pattern. ^^
********************************************************************************** 



I have been pretty popular among the teachers lately.
I have no idea why, but it's really showing right now o.o

I had to go to the staff room to get my math teacher's handbag for her.
So, I went in the staff room lo.
Waaaaa took me 15 minutes weii.
3 teachers were calling for me simultaneously o.o
1st one, about tkd de.
2nd one, about els de.
3rd one, about football de...and had a casual chat with me.
lol teachers *rolls eyes*
then another one said, you've slimmed down a. but that was pretty random, not important, took up 5 seconds of my time xD

Anyways, teachers are being nice to me.
finally? lol.
or maybe I'm just a teacher's pet?
It's ok la, cincai.
Don't scold me can le. I'm so guai. -.-





The things that have been happening around me........
are pretty much unexpected.
In a short month.
I've been through so much.
I've lost a family member,
I've hurt deeply, and vice versa.
I've been really happy.

I've been really sad.

But above all,
I'm tired.
I really need rest.
I wish I could just let go, stop thinking.
and sleep.




I wish money could buy sleep.
I wish I had you around always, so I can hug you to sleep.
I love getting hugs from you.
Well, you're the only perosn I hug anyways <3
mwah.

hug me, im very huggable.

Of all the things I have done. I hope this made you smile.

****AHEMMM****



Relax
The title is not as serious as it sounds la  XD






I remember
On
1 June, 2010
I promised to post something here.   =)

Hope this could brighten anyone's day.


Have a pleasant visit to the 90s
^^













BABYYY  :O

XD


p.s.:
(i)Photo captions are added according to my facial expression.  xD
(ii)Photos are added accordingly as I grow.
(iii)There are still hundreds of them -.-

*  *shows what I might have said if I could talk  :D

Doesn't this wanna make you go... *AWWWWW*?   xD  bps -.-

Wishing well.

*gasp* I made the wrong wish!

*Don't come any closer, I will lick you*

That is one big cake.

*Mommy please don't leave me with the cake....

I'm afraid it'll eat me*

rawwwrrr

*The return of the type writer monster*  xD

When I actually looked like a girl.

Just because my father wanted a son -.-

*evil laaaa*

*eiii, why is my second bday cake so small a?*

epic face xD

*stupid phoneeeee!! workkkkk!!!*

Cousins from my mother's side.

*YUMMY CHICKEN*

-.-

If I failed to make you at least smile... 

I will look like this..~

If I did, then..~

=D

Have a great day people! 

♥

It is best to love wisely, no doubt.

; but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all.




Anyhow,
from his responses.
I know he needs space.
Everyone needs time to themselves.
I forgot.
Because my time has been all for him, I forgot that I need to take a break and give him some air.
He needs it.
I need it.
We need it.
I won't give up that easily anymore.
It's foolish to even think about letting go just because of the problems faced.
I sound like a three year old.
Problems won't go away if I don't seize them immediately.



Feelings aside.
They've been nothing but problems.

Disappointed. But,


Feelings will stay at number 2 for now.

Dad

Dad, I've never seen you so mad. Why didn't you just tell me...why did you keep all that shit boiling inside of you?
Pa, I'm not your baby girl anymore.
I'd just stick my middle finger to the world whenever I feel like it. I don't give a damn what people think.
You should know that it takes much more than words to bring me down. Only the people I care about can hurt me.
So pa..You're hurting me if you don't tell me how you feel. Why let it boil inside you?
I may seem immature to you, but you know, YOU out of everyone should know best, that I am not that easy.
I am a thinker in many ways.
I am just too lazy to do anything important.
I'm sorry I let you down. I didn't know it would affect you this much.
I know you've been really good to me for not losing it there and then.

I do not fall to others. Especially... people of such insignificance. Referring to some "bumps" on the road.
They are the least of my concern, and I can tell you that, they are nowhere close to what it takes.

I am that stuck up sometimes.
But you know dad... You know.. I've got friends.
We don't hang much anymore. but they're always there.


Munn is reassuring you that, I'll be ok.
As long as I'm willing, I will still be that silly girl.
But, when it comes a day, I feel that I shouldn't be treating myself this way.
You know what'll happen.


I was told that,
Work,studies should be my top priority instead of my feelings.
I am too sensitive,I was told.
I don't give people much more than a sideways glance,I was told.
I look too deeply into my feelings as I was told.




If I never had feelings,
If I were to be immune to all feelings.
I guess life would be kinda dull. And I wouldn't know how it feels like to hurt, to care, to love.
I learn with every step I take, every move I make.
Every emotion, I remember. I learn.
With every fall, I get stronger.

Pa, it's the art of living.


The loving are the daring.

I dare to risk it, to feel it.
I don't care what the outcome is, chances are that I may get what I deserve one day.
I've never asked for anything in return. I never will. 
I like giving. I like seeing people happy.
And for that, I sometimes forget about myself.

Pa, Don't worry. I'll outgrow this.
It's a stage of life. ;)
I'm still growing.
With time, i learn.



I love you for showing that you care.
You were mad at me, because you couldn't stand seeing your daughter like this.
I'm not good at expressing myself face-to-face. I even got in trouble for displaying the wrong facial expression at the wrong time.   seriously la  FML ==


But I know, I do go with words. Especially when I'm alone.
And when I speak my heart.

Treasure the love you receive above all.
It will survive long after your good health has vanished.

I just gotta love, sit, wait and watch.




Pa, 
I still rock. ;)
Chillax.

URBANSCAPES

26/6/2010
A great big day, for someone with a great big heart, with great big dreams waiting to be fulfilled.


Eventhough we've never met. And our chats have been brief, I can see she's one of those people who really cares for the people she loves.
And she never gives up easily.


Her feelings speak through her art,
Simple,
Expressive,
Sophisticated,
Divine,
Beautiful,
Sincere.

In short,
lovely, simply lovely.




All the best to you!
You have my fullest support!  ♥
SUPPORT LOZL　


Your dream, is near.

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加油! 

Zhiling jie =)

BABEHHHHH PICHASSS

OMG I found a whole album of baby pictures. Hundreds of them!
<3
I've never seen an uglier baby hahahahahahaha -.-
Can't wait till my hunnie comes over for dinner..........
we can look at the ugly baby, together =D

























*I can't find my bloody scanner, and this results to a post called baby pictures. Without pictures :) *

God I'm so lame.
L.O.L













*Will upload next time :D  I promise *

xo