Deeply...wrecked.

I always hated Mondays. It's most of the time the most cranky day of the week.



5-4-2010  [78]


Shit happens to me.
I can't think right at the moment. In fact, I cannot think at all. I'm just typing out whatever the hell I'm thinking. This is probably the most shallow post I'll ever be making.
I can't feel my swollen knuckles, neither can I feel my legs. It's like I'm crippled. But I can feel my heart... slowly ripping apart. Leaving me hurt,cold....It's a kind of pain which I cannot describe.


Up to this point, I cannot believe the series of events that took place today... I was pretty OK as I started the day. But, nothing I did went right. Everything took it's toll on me. I'm dead tired from the sleepless nights. Mbf wasn't in a good mood. I found out that I had to take part in the debate competition the following day against JSHS. GOD of all the schools, why give us the best? damn it. I am not prepared to say the least.
But despite everything that's so screwed up today, I still effortlessly smiled at lovey. He was the one...That kept me sane. But not for long. It didn't last. not even close to long enough.

Everything was going just as bad as everything was... I couldn't believe how heavy my eyelids were. Actually fell asleep during history.  After history, I had to go to the washroom...so.. i thought of taking a glance at lovey. When I reached the back door of his class, I didn't see him at his place. Curious, I scrutinized.Trying very hard to find him. I wanted to walk off. But at my last glance into the classroom. I saw him. sitting at some other person's place. facing a pretty girl and teaching her math. I saw how happy he was. How not tied down he was. How... free.  I thought he was having a bad day. He didn't really have the mood to talk to me. But he seemed happy with his friends. Friends and not his best friend. I wanted to walk away. But he saw me, tailed me to the stairs and gave up coz I wasn't really responding. Asked him to go and I walked away.


I...don't wanna remember what happened after all that. Until dismissal. Until... Now.
I hate myself for having photographic memory. I see, I feel the scenes, the painful, excruciating flashbacks that keep replaying in my mind. Slowly driving me insane.
I was... and am pissed at myself.

For my actions.
For pushing him away.
For not trying to talk to him.
For whatever the hell that I have done wrong.
For not being honest enough to tell him what's wrongFor not being considerate enough to NOT hurt the person I love so dearly.














For not being a good girlfriend.
And for not being good enough for once.
And for being such a royal bitch that's oversensitive and lets the rage of jealousy take over.



If I could turn back time, I would go back and slap myself so hard I hope I couldn't talk anymore.


I thought today was the end for both of us.
But... No.
I got a second chance to make things right.
I swear. I'll try my best.



I had a facebook test once when I was bored.
It was about how i was gonna die.
It's ridiculous. But I needed something to kill time.
The result was.. drowning.
Weird that I didn't feel eerie about it. I spend most of my time underwater,thinking. Was the least surprised when I saw the test results.


My tears are dry. My knuckles are swollen. I'm so tired...but I can't sleep.
Plans for tomorrow: School-Jit Sin-Home-Swimming Pool.

Yes, I'm going swimming on a school day. I'll swim so hard,
I wanna feel my lungs burn and my chest exploding.
I don't really care what'll happen. I'm going alone. I refuse the company of anyone.
I refuse any sign of aid. I think better when I'm alone. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.







='(